balance .

It can be found in a world that is so currently unbalanced.

I grew up during a time in society where not everything was pushed so hard in your face all the time. There has always been bad in the world, there have always been choices and freedoms and opinions, but it seems today you’re not allowed to have an idea without someone destroying it because it doesn’t fit within their guidelines of how something or someone, should be.

It took me many years on a long spiritual journey to find that balance. Balance in my personal life while trying to live in a world that is so noisy with negativity. Balance in relationships with mindful focus on the individual I chose to spend my time with. And balance in family, in accepting each member’s individuality and choices in life. Sad thing is, I lost that balance about 3 years ago and am trying to get back to that state of being. I lived a very active lifestyle, I hiked, mediated, practice yoga, had great friends, had fun and had a deep connection with the earth, with the universe and with the great spirit. There was a great change that shifted the very balance I had for so long.

I decided in 2015 to move back to an area in an attempt to keep a relationship afloat. I thought that my decision to pack my entire world up and move away from my family and from the very place that aided me in finding peace and solace, would fix this particular relationship. That somehow we would be more committed, happier and more in love if I moved back to where all of my problems seemed to stem from. We weren’t. It was almost instantly, that depression seeped in. Having never felt “depressed” before, it was like hitting a brick wall of unhappiness. All of the familiar things I felt, vanished. The desire to improve myself, my soul, my body and my mind-it all seemed to rush so quickly away without warning.

It took me another year to realize that what I had been hoping for wasn’t ever going to come to fruition. I saw a Shaman in Feb-Apr of 2016 (cant quite remember the exact date) on a whim and he told me that I was basically wasting my time and myself on potential. The potential of another person to decide whether or not they would make me a priority. I realized then that I had given up my peace and balance to a person who was not ready fit me into theirs. Ever. I used to be able to communicate, to manifest to the universe exactly what I wanted and I could even will it into reality. I gave what felt like a lifetime of myself to one person. From immaturity of age to selfishness, to everything that created a person that seemed so self-centered, that they had ignored the toll that 7 years had taken on me. They didn’t validate the sacrifices I made from ages 26-33. How differently my life would be if there was a balance from both ends. I would barely sleep, millions of thoughts running through my mind about choices, regrets. Each day I felt like I lost more and more of myself. Conversations about future plans or goals turned negative. Like any woman, we all want commitment at some point. I ached for commitment. Each time being told “I don’t believe in marriage, I don’t believe in a piece of paper”. The choice that was never me. It was excuse after excuse. I was finally  ready to move on. I was finally ready to be free of the regret and to end up where I so desperately wanted to be. With whom I so desperately wanted to be with.

Finally one day, as I mentioned in a previous post, I took matters into my own hands. I decided that my happiness was in fact MY choice and I wasn’t going to choose being unhappy in order for someone to “seem” happy. I realized that the years of devotion on my end, meant absolutely nothing to this person. My solo move back down to be with him, just left room for more excuse. For more reason to not act, because I so often did. I found a place to move to without letting him know until it was official. Took a much needed trip into my past, which is now my present, and left that part, that long part of my life, behind. My heart was heavy as he helped me pack the last of my things. I felt the twinge in my chest, the one that always forced me to go back. I pushed it down. I saw the tears well up in his eyes and then they did in mine unintentionally and I apologized. I said I had to go. And with that, I backed out of the driveway, feeling the weight, his weight overcome my heart. Knowing I wouldn’t be back. I wouldn’t go back anymore. It was one of the most difficult moments and decisions, because for 3 years short of a decade I gave 150% of myself to a person who barely gave 50% back and I watched as his head and shoulders fell, as he cried and turned inside to walk through the dark garage. It was the most intense feeling of sadness, disappointment and yes, even regret. Even though I knew, always, this relationship would never go anywhere. It’s not always easy for a parting of souls or even a friendship of nearly 8 years.

I stopped communication, blocked social media accounts and just went off the grid. My decision was to rebuild, not only myself, but the relationship with the man I married 12 years earlier and divorced only 9 years prior. A second chance at a life I always wished for. A life I always awanted and man I had always wanted a future with.

If you’ve seen the movie “Eat, Pray, Love”-then you know the quote that Ketut tells Liz toward the end “To lose balance sometimes for love is part of living a balanced life” and I didn’t have that. I lost balance and I lost my lust for life, most of all the balance of self while being in love and living in choices that were mine. I hate to make someone sound “bad” because he was not. He was probably one of the most genuinely caring people I have ever known. Huge heart, sweet soul, but just not open to me. And that’s okay.

The balance I think Ketut was referring to were those moments when disagreements might happen, when things don’t feel “perfect” or fun because it’s just human nature sometimes to have rough days. It took a lot of work and I mean A LOT, but the past 2 years, I am seeing the balance slowly start to even out. I am nowhere near where I was physically or spiritually, but those things took time to get to years ago too. A few weeks ago, we decided on a whim to do a half-marathon. We did not prepare, we just made a decision. We ran 21 miles in 4 days. We suffered though 8 miles one of those days and that’s where I saw where we balance one another. As someone who can be easily pulled into the negative, one of my personal struggles, to have the unfailing support of this person always, allowed me to see that balance takes 2 people in a relationship. You cant only focus on yourself when you’re with another person. To me, its a duty of both, to assist in each other’s balance as well. For me to finally feel actual support and love, to feel like a priority and to know that he feels that he is only as good as we. And to feel exactly the same in return.

I sometimes get bogged down in the personal opinions of others, the constant ideals forced though the media and social media. The negative posts or stories that seem to flood our feeds. And because nowadays no social media website will let you live your life without seeing people from your past moving on with theirs, you have to be balanced enough to be comfortable with your place and theirs, in the present-especially if it was your choice to move on. Its hard not to feed in to the questions of self-doubt that arise from it, though, because we’re human and sometimes we make things all about us. They aren’t. It takes effort to find a balance in all areas of your life, to be conscious of your needs and those around you and knowing how to spread the wealth of yourself and your energy into those areas without depleting yourself of it. It takes an immense amount of effort to find balance in spirituality, especially because of the hate that seems to supersede the love and positivity in today’s society and the judgment that faith, of any kind, is futile. Faith in whatever you choose, centers you.

It is a solely personal choice to make the decision that you want to be a balanced person in all aspects…but when you do, it will astound you how things will fall completely into place. And it will take time, as patience is of the utmost importance when working toward the goal of peace. Don’t allow anyone to throw electricity in that peace and if you find that the people around you may be the ones stealing that peace, evaluate their place and their purpose. Energy vampires are all around you in various shapes, forms and beings. They are the stealers of the positive energies or positive circumstances that come your way.

“Life is a balance of holding on and letting go.”-unknown