god .

I have such a conflict with the whole concept of “religion”. I was raised Catholic. I was raised to believe in Jesus and god and all that other stuff, but unfortunately I find myself conflicted with this story of this invisible  “all knowing, all powerful” entity. Even so much so that not capitalizing the word “GOD” in the last sentence made me hesitant.

A few years back I took an elective course in the community college I was attending, because I needed an elective credit and the only class I hadn’t taken was a religion course. I chose, “The life and story of Jesus”. At the time I was more focused on the spiritual energy side of things. I did learn a great deal about the story of Jesus’ life, and was impacted greatly by it.

I found myself really believing this story, so much that I became emotional one day about his “sacrifice”. I remember sobbing and thinking to myself how could this one person love us, humans, so much that he sacrificed his life? I really started to believe all the things I was reading. I had never read a bible prior to this class or at any point in my life. I started to feel like maybe I was missing out on something, like maybe all the years I doubted these “historical” instances, I was wrong! Maybe this was real….but then, I still couldn’t wrap my head around this very well-written story of this man they call, Jesus. I couldn’t believe this story, it didn’t seem possible.

Around the end of this course, I started to realize that perhaps this is just the propaganda. The propaganda of religion. I questioned how any of  this could be true, how anyone could turn water into wine, bring someone back to life, etc; How could any “being” do this? And how come we’ve never witnessed a power like this again. Forgive me for not knowing facts about this story or the bible in general, but…what!? None of us know for sure that the events described in this book that’s been written countless times in an attempt to facilitate a specific agenda for a specific religious group, are true. Nothing can be proven, after all of this time to show that this man was real. That his actions were real. That’s his gifts were real. They call the bible a best-selling book for a reason, because it is such a well -manufactured piece of literature that makes you question the very essence of you who are as an individual and what you’re not doing right. Now don’t get me wrong, I respect people that have such a strong faith and commitment to their denomination of choice. I believe it gives people a great peace and an even greater hope that they’re not in this alone BUT what piques my curiosity is why? Why do you believe such a far-fetched story about a man was supposed to be in our form. As humans we have never been able to duplicate his actions, no matter how faithful we are. And is he Jesus? Is he the son of god or is he god himself? I’m still so confused about all of this. I don’t consider myself an atheist or anything like that, but there are many different categories of even that denomination of people that I more relate to.

I think that its perfectly normal and okay to have doubts about those thoughts of religion or ideation or idolization about a “higher power”. I tried to have this conversation with one of my sisters. I don’t know if she still does, but for a long time she went to church every Sunday with her family, they took part in the holy sacraments, kids are all baptized, did holy communion and the youngest 2 should be on their way to confirmation at some point. One day I decided to ask her, what did she think about the whole God concept and did she ever question it. I was asking only out of curiosity and wow, did she shut that down really quickly. She explained, very defensively, that she has no need to doubt or question something she believes so strongly is real. That questioning if it exists devalues it completely and pretty much how dare I ask. I can’t really remember verbatim what she said, but I can remember the manner in which she said it, which is so often the manner in which all people who claim to be religious and open and accepting react! I found out a little while after that conversation my Mom told me she called her and asked if she knew that her daughter was an “atheist”! My Mom and laughed so hard! Even my mom who has her faith and believes in Jesus and all that, will hear me out. What I tried to do was spark a conversation to understand a little better from another person, why they are so strong in their convictions of this Jesus/God thing.

I believe in a higher power, in a creator. I can listen to peoples experiences and be moved by them, although I may not share the same faith or belief. In my personal opinion, if you are able to separate yourself from the “Shepard and Sheep” mentality, your mind is more open and receiving of the ultimate enlightenment. Because I’m a pain in the ass, I like to claim that for all we know Jesus might be an alien! I mean even that theory makes sense. Not everyone knows of Jesus, who spent a very short time supposedly on this earth and didn’t reach all the way across the world. There was no mention of Jesus in Native American teachings, or Buddhist teachings or Hindu teachings. And if there is, correct me. But in all those religious structures is a mention of a great spirit or higher being, which I believe to be the creator. The Jesus story, because yes it is a story told my many different people, none of which is Jesus himself, about burning bushes and resurrections, is too far-fetched in my opinion to be the end all-be all person who will lead us to “salvation” and I 100% feel its okay to feel the way I feel. For anyone to feel the same.

I cannot believe that there is one sole creator of mankind, to be honest. I believe more in an energy because it makes up everything around us. I cannot believe in a heaven or a hell because there is no proof. This is a man-made concept to deter people from breaking rules or laws in attempt to value themselves as good or bad. I do not believe that one great being has allowed one other great being to be the one to save us all when the world ends. I think the power lies in humans being awakened to the energies around them. To the earth and its diminishing resources. To space and to other beings that can teach us what to really believe and what to learn from this life.

If there is a god I believe it to be a great spirit of energy that is only filled with love because we are all love if we choose to be. I don’t think him or her or it to be a jealous, hateful, judgmental, wrathful god because to me that doesn’t make sense. I believe more in an all-powerful Light energy as well as a Dark energy, and only we can choose which energy we belong to. Sometimes I thinks its honest to say we can belong to both. I don’t think at the end of my life I will stand in front of gates of any kind and be “judged” for who my soul has chosen to to be in THIS life, I believe that if I was the best possible human being and shared the best energy of myself with people, animals, the earth and the things in the world that actually matter, my soul will get to live on and perhaps, even live another life. If I am not a good soul, if I hurt others for my own sake, or don’t care I believe my soul will be absorbed in a Dark energy and wait. I also believe that if my soul is able to come to realizations in any point during or after life, it will have the opportunity to start again in the Light energy.

I am a huge believer in souls living on. I do not believe our souls die when we die, I do not believe the energy disappears. I believe that our soul will continue to live on whether stagnant in Darkness as a lesson or reliving in Light. This is not a means to diminish anyones beliefs, thoughts or opinions, I am just attempting to share mine. I feel that it is possible that there is always good we can get to, even if it takes time and questioning to get there.




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