I literally feel everything. Lately I have been finding myself re-discovering some old music. Bands that got me through some of what, I thought to be, the most difficult times in my life. I feel the emotion so deeply when I hear a certain song or a melody, when my brain recalls the lyrics I haven’t sang in over a decade. I think sometimes I scare the people closest to me when I start baring my soul. I think its overwhelming for some to grasp, to truly understand that I know my heart so well I can recount every single detail or every single time I heard a song that had me bowled over in gut wrenching pain over love. Over my life I have experienced what I consider to be a pretty extreme amount of heartbreak. And in those moments of soul crushing, literal heart breaking, I turned to music. I would stumble across the songs that would explain the very state of my heart and mind and then I’d listen to them on repeat. I’ve always been a mover, meaning I will take a trip just about anywhere, for hours…alone, at the drop of a hat. Those drives, those long winding early morning or late night drives I would blare those songs, windows down, tears running down my cheeks. I was always surprised how it seemed there was a limitless supply. But I’d drive and I’d let every ounce of pain out of my soul. I’d wish for resolve, for a miracle. I’d wish I was driving to be in the arms of someone who loved me…but I’d drive to nowhere, to nothing. To some spot out in nature so I could sit and keep letting it fall out of my face. Just to be able to feel, alone…while feeling alone.
When I hear music I feel. I feel so much that my heart rate climbs, my arms tingle and every note or melody awakens my brain. Isolating my mind to hear each instrument and it’s contribution to the piece it’s a part of. I have never felt more connected to anything in my life except music. And when music connects you to another person-it is life altering. I have shared many songs with many people, so much that if I hear that specific song randomly or unexpected, that person makes a phantom like appearance in the moment and throws my heart into summersaults. When I’ve loved, I’ve loved with every ounce of my being and I’ve almost immortalized those loves into song. So many unanswered questions, so many doubts or regrets, so many doors that weren’t properly closed. Lives move on and move forward and those songs, they make you wonder, does anyone ever think of me in the way I do them? Probably not. I’ve always been everyone’s “greatest love” and yet here I sit, wondering what it was about me that wasn’t enough. Even being present in the greatest love of my life as I know it, as human as I am, I would love…to know. Tell me why. Tell me how. Tell me when. Why you didn’t choose me, how you came to that decision and when you realized. Although I’ve ended most of my great loves stories, I constantly blame myself for not doing or saying more, for not being honest about happiness. For fighting so hard for nothing. And then, never being fought for. And that very lingering feeling of, maybe it wasn’t love.
It’s funny that when everything seems to be going well in our lives and we feel the most calm and purely happy, we start thinking about our past. We start remembering other memories with other people. We start replaying moments and conversations over and over again in our mind, wishing we would’ve said more. I think that as humans, we are constantly looking for something. Not necessarily something with someone else, but just anything. We look for validation, we look for confirmation or confrontation. We look for attention. We look for meaning and purpose. We look for understanding. We can’t just settle. We can never be settled. And why is that? I don’t love anyone else or anything else. I don’t want anyone or anything else. But what I want is to FEEL. To feel something the way music makes me feel. To have something in my life that consumes every independent function of my entire body. To feel connected on every level with every single thing that surrounds me. To be able to have those moments where you just can’t leave the car with the person you love because you are so deeply invested in that moment and you just let the music roll on…dictating your every thought and every word that comes out of your mouth. Looking at one another with tears welling up in your eyes without even uttering a word sometimes…just feeling the unsaid, unfiltered admiration for another human being. Just feeling.
Those moments are so intense. Those feelings are so intense.