soul .

I believe in reincarnation. I believe that our souls have lived through many lifetimes. I believe that my soul in particular has lived many lives, some I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting yet, some I have.

I was raised Catholic and around a very openly spiritual family. We often prayed for spirits and souls that couldn’t cross over. I had many experiences. I was actually terrified because my sisters were highly sensitive to energies and entities and often had very scary experiences. I grew up being very scared of the spiritual world. I was terrified of the dark and still even am, if I’m by myself.

It wasn’t until I was 15 years old that I had my first real life experience that scared me to the core, yet at the same time it opened my mind to a world I had only semi-believed as a means not to frighten myself. I lost a cousin at a very young age, he was 19 and it seemed that my Aunt and Uncle never truly healed from that loss. A few posts ago I talked about how I had left Texas to move back to Florida on my own to go back to high-school with my friends. I moved in with my mother’s youngest sister. One night I accompanied her to my Grandmothers house, for what I had no clue, would be a séance.

As we walked in I said hi to my Grandma, my 2 aunts and an uncle. The next thing I knew my Grandmother was no longer my Grandmother and she began speaking as if animated by someone else. She and the 3 of them were seated around the dinner table, bibles placed in front of them and I, in a chair in the corner diagonally from the table. I watched as my Grandmother seemed to change appearance, dialect, even her voice as she channeled different spirits. I was terrified, heart pounding, short of breath-I had NEVER experienced something like this. My fathers side of the family kept us away from this. I watched as my aunts were overcome with spirits. They each had a specific way about it. My one aunt, who lost her son, couldn’t control her body and I remember feeling so tense and so terrified. And then….as soon as that feeling overcame me, I was instantly relaxed. That’s when my grandmother (or whoever she was in that moment because I didn’t not recognize her) looked over at me and smiled, head cocked to one side, hand under her chin and said “how nice” in Spanish. I remember feeling all awkward teenage-y and looking at everyone all wide-eyed, and asked “what?”. She proceeded to tell me that at the moment, when I seemed to be the most scared and vulnerable, the spirit of a nun threw a white sheet over me as protection from the energy/spirits around me. That nun, was me. It was the residual spirit or soul energy of a previous life…me, that was protecting me. I was so shocked. This is the part where I tell you that as a young child, I wanted to be a nun. For whatever reason, I always wanted to join a convent and I chalked it up to going to Catholic school, being around nuns etc; but this, this made so much sense in that moment. From a pretty young age I was always extremely modest. I didn’t like to show my stomach or wear short shorts, or clothes that exposed skin. I wasn’t interested in make-up and those norms that most girls my age were. After the séance ended there was a cleansing ritual that also scared me. I remember not being able to sleep that night, my aunt actually came in the room and said she was scared too, so we decided to sleep together. From that point forward though, I actually always felt my paternal grandmother around. She had passed away about a year before I decided to move back to to Florida. I would feel her presence lie down beside me in my bed at night when I was the most scared, I could feel her comfort. I could even feel the bed sink down behind me…she was a heavier woman in life, I could feel the calming presence and just before my mind ran away with being fearful, I’d fall asleep.

I held that experience with me for so many years. I didn’t share it with too many people because those that are not open, will ridicule or will try to debunk the experiences all together. Again I have had many experiences throughout my life, some scary, some life changing, some necessary messages. Many people, strangers mostly, have approached me to tell me things: that I have a purpose, that I am a beacon, that I have an old soul. Old soul is a constant from people I’ve met once or countless times. When I was at my most centered I felt like that “old soul”. It seems as though when I am at my most balanced, those who also are, seem to notice me in a crowd. It’s even so much, that animals become magnetized to me.

There is a spiritual community I might have mentioned previously, in this little town right outside of Buffalo New York. That town, Lily Dale. The retreat I attended had a myriad of classes and workshops you could attend and there was a “past life” workshop that interested my sister and I. Now, I have no psychic/medium ability. I cannot speak to, see or channel spirit as a means to deliver or gain messages. This retreat was actually filled with everyday people , some who were practicing mediums and psychics, some who were healers, yogis or just those interested in the world of spiritual energy. Even I was skeptical. I think its natural to be if it’s someone outside of your immediate circle. Anyways, we were told to pair up with someone we didn’t know, which meant I couldn’t pair up with my sister. A blonde woman, with an extremely kind face, popped her head forward in our row directly at me, smiling and asked if she could work with me. I agreed. I’ve always been a big believer in things happening for a reason so I jumped at it. So, we began the mediation and she began to read me. We weren’t allowed to answer direct questions or provide clues/hints. This was my first ever “reading”. She began to tell me how she saw me in Europe, kept saying very faithful, loyal, saw religious artifacts around me. Felt a very devoted energy. I made sure not to smile or nod, but I knew exactly where she was going. She continued on describing that life. Describing a grandmother always around me with strong faith. She saw rosaries as a constant in that life. She continued on into another life. She said she saw me as a warrior, mighty, strong upon a horse. She kept saying warrior, but this didn’t ring a bell because I didn’t know anything about that previously. She said that she saw my death in that experience. That I fell off of my horse and hit my head. At the end of that reading, she asked, self-doubtedly, if any of that made sense to me. It did. I remember being so shocked, because I had that knowledge for a long period of my life and never shared it. Not with anyone outside of my family. When I validated to her that I had known about this past life, she was elated. Although her line of work was Reiki healing, I think this may have confirmed for her more of her own intrinsic gift. I told her that the only thing I could link this warrior to was the fact that I was a US Marine. I had served in a combat zone, thankfully made it safely through every convoy I was on and that I understood that to be perhaps a life that gave me the warrior spirit I felt like I had at that time. To be 23, married and deployed at the same time as my spouse, the strength I garnered never failed me. And the injury that took my life? I suffered from debilitating migraines, simply for no reason that a doctor could find, from age 14-16. We were instructed to alternate and it was my turn to read her. Now again, I have no formal, practical or spiritual training at all. I read or told her what I saw in my mind, and she validated to a T what I shared. I was amazed at myself.

So, my past lives…a nun and a warrior. I learned a little more about some past lives but those 2 really stayed with me. Those 2 at the simplest in their descript terms are 100% me. The validation I received about the first, or the first I knew of, set me on a great journey in life. It made me realize that those lives are part of the very essence of who I am…who my SOUL is. I will give to anyone, any creature but I will fight, rightfully so for the honor of those I love, those with no voice or those too afraid to use theirs. I will be devoted to others. I have had a few readings since then. And I have been told, that my soul is very old. That validation continues to push me forward in life, to connect with others, with energy and with the universe. Kind of off subject, but the movie “A Dog’s Purpose” is probably the BEST example I have about how our souls will continue to live on after we have gone, even more so in everything around us. Our souls will constantly connect with people we’ve lived lives with before. The ex I spoke about in a previous post, the 7 year relationship, we were connected as souls once before and I also learned that at this same retreat with another woman. A practicing medium. The task was to give her a name of anyone in my life and she would tell me how we were connected. Apparently we were connected as brother and sister. I was older and very protective of him. Constantly guiding and teaching and encouraging him. When she finished, I was in disbelief as everything she described, was exactly the relationship I had. And even now, upon his recent engagement, I felt as though I was watching as a young child that I helped to mold, grow into a man who had found his own way in life. I described it to my sister as “he is finally flying free”.

For me, spirituality is essential. Learning about your energy and your soul is nothing but rewarding. It’s been almost 2 years that someone hasn’t approached me, because for whatever reason I’ve stifled that part of me. It hasn’t been a conscious effort either. I think depending on who you surround yourself with, those who may not be as open to reincarnation, souls, energies or spirits; you tend to close that door without even realizing it. For the past couple of years I haven’t had the ability to channel that part of my soul and mind. I blame the noisiness around me in the city. I blame my relationship in that he is not as open to spirituality as I am because he doesn’t understand it and perhaps, doesn’t want to. I do know that those energies are lying dormant and maybe that’s where they’re meant to be right now. In this post alone I’ve gotten about 3 signs from someone or something…and I am listening.

If you are curious and open to finding out who you really are, who your energy is go to a workshop or psychic fair. See a shaman or find a spiritual store or center around you and just walk in. It’s okay to be skeptical. It’s not okay to pass negative judgment and if you are extremely skeptical or feel negativity about the spiritual realm or those who believe it? Don’t engage. I am telling you I have always been skeptical with each reading or each person I have met in that capacity, BUT I am open to it. And each time without trying or prying? they have read my energy, my thoughts, my worries and it’s been 100% accurate. I’m not saying change your beliefs or your belief system and I get that most “religious” people don’t believe in the spiritual realm or in energy remaining or reincarnating, but if you’re different and you’re curious and open to it, why not?

Instead of dreaming of an ultimate paradise or infernal existence, imagine instead a world where your energy lives on. Where there is the possibility of continuing on and being the only one who knows it is real. Faith, hope and beliefs are our own, there is no law that’s required of us to follow to make our time here on earth and our impending end, beyond comfortable. It’s okay to believe and imagine in a positive end, a positive transition from one life to the next. I hope to find my way back to the person I was so many years ago. I’m working on it because I believe, too much, that my purpose is a larger one.