I’ve spent a lot of time in my life not being by myself. I haven’t ever really been single. I’ve always lived alone, never moved in with anyone except my ex-husband and now my current relationship, with my ex-husband. We moved in with each other about 2 years ago now. What I’ve noticed is that when you’re in a relationship, sometimes it’s super easy to lose yourself, to lose your peace and to lose that independence that was once so comfortable.
There’s a lot of times I’m thankful to have found someone that I enjoy spending my time with and of course I never try to take him for granted, but there are often times that I just want to be alone. Relationships can take so much out of us sometimes and not just romantic relationships, but really any relationship with have with anyone. Though, in a romantic relationship, sometimes you don’t always like the person you’re with and that’s normal. I have always been the type of person in my life and in relationships, that doesn’t like to bicker. I really don’t take things that seriously and if there happens to be a disagreement, I try not to hold a grudge about it. I can’t sulk for days at a time and I can get over arguments pretty quickly. Being in a relationship with someone who finds it too easy to hold a grudge and sulk or constantly give the silent treatment, is exhausting. And when that person literally has a short temper and will fly off the handle because of assumptions or misunderstanding of tone or intention, it’s even more exhausting. I expect that we’re not always going to get along and that’s true with any relationship or friendship. I know that things aren’t always rainbows and butterflies, but if every disagreement has to end with the other person having to insult, hurt or just plain act destructively toward me? I’m pretty much done.
I have spent a lot of time alone, to really understand who I am, what I expect from others and to focus on how I treat others and if I’m being the best person I can be to them. Just because I may be upset, does not allow me the right to be destructive to another person’s psyche or feelings. I understand that as individuals, we are trying our hardest to compromise with the other person. If one person is committed to doing that, to really making an effort to change or maybe adjust their behaviors in this situations and the other isn’t, where does that leave you? Right now, in separate rooms of our 1100 sq ft apartment.
There are certain words that I try to stay away from in any argument or disagreement. I don’t like to use finite words to describe a certain situation, for example “you always do this or that”. I make it point never to curse or insult, and if I am cursed at I will shut down. There should never be a time in the relationship when something can’t be resolved, especially if you’re both committed to having a healthy, happy relationship. There comes a point that if you’re unable to communicate openly or effectively, someone will withdraw.
Currently, I am in withdrawal mode…and I have been for a few weeks. When I have tried to communicate that I don’t appreciate being spoken to a certain way, it usually ends in a tit-for-tat kind of argument, and its not from my end. I honestly could care less about who’s right or who’s gonna “win” the argument. What I do care about, is being heard and understood and seeing an effort put toward making sure that communication is constantly positive or progressive. What I’ve experienced is the latter and I honestly am happier when I’m alone, with my dogs and there’s no other human for me to have to entertain.
I don’t think that life has to be that difficult. I don’t think that we have to allow relationships to be that difficult either. When we allow people to dictate how we feel about ourselves, we really do a great disservice to our confidence. If someone is always telling you that you’re always a certain way, is it really you? Is it really how you are? Or is it that when you try to express yourself, they don’t have the ability to hear what you’re saying and try to do better to understand maybe how their behavior might be the issue. When someone is consistently saying the same things, you might want to pay attention. How the things they may say in those moments of anger, really affect you.
I am a firm believe in the 5 Love Languages and my number 1 is “Words of Affirmation”, therefore, if you use derogatory or hurtful words towards me, even though you may not mean them, I will not forget them. I will not forget the hurtful things that you said because for me, words are everything. They are the very foundation of lasting relationships for me. Its been 2 years that I have worked toward being a better listener and on trying to be a better communicator. The majority of my time and my day is focused on being supportive and making his life easier, but it seems any moment that I may falter or if I might be having a bad day, I am “always” making things difficult. I am getting tired of the “I’m sorry’s” after he’s chosen to say things that he KNOWS will hurt me. I am getting tired of having to be the one to apologize, when I don’t feel that Ive done anything wrong. I am getting tired of being the one to have to “let it go”.
It’s really hard to me to move on from hurtful words, because to me, nothing should ever be so serious, that I diminish another person and their feelings. Love is important, but it has to be cultivated in an environment that allows it to be expressed fully in the way you need it to. I know that he knows the type of person I am, the types of things that affect me and possibly even my expectations of how I think a relationship should work. Sometimes, it’s not about having the answer or being wrong, it’s about doing your best to be an equal partner and share in the struggles of everyday life and to listen to one another and find a middle ground. Couples are not always going to agree, but it should never be so much of a disagreement, that you have to be hurtful or hateful to one another.
So here I sit, not having been spoken to all day. The last thing I remember that has replayed in my mind over this time is telling me to “go the fuck away”. That right there is what pushed me further into my withdrawal mode, and maybe in a few days we’ll be over it and this will be just another one of those wasted weekends, but I am tired of wasted weekends. I am tired of full days going by without being spoken to or being apologized to. It seems that I always hold the fault for any disagreement that happens and again, I’m usually the one who has to concede, but this time, I refuse to.
I am perfectly content being alone and entertaining myself. I have outlets and I intend to use those. I have decided that I am going to continue to focus more of my energy on myself and on my wants. I’ve never been the type of person who’s life revolves around someone and I feel like I have been that way going on 2 years. I’m not talking make-ups or break-ups here, I’m just talking about more “me” time. And thats okay.
We tend to forget that relationships are WORK and when you forget that, you’re forgetting that you chose to be a part of it. I am the type of person that will always choose my happiness and I will always choose to walk away from the things, or people, that don’t serve me. And thats what I’m doing now. It’s never the “wrong” choice to take care of yourself and to take time to re-evaulate your needs and desires and if you have someone who wants to listen, talk to them.