Do you ever lay awake in bed at night and just do a review of your life?
The other night I caught myself doing just that. Coming back after the holidays can be rough sometimes, especially if you’ve really enjoyed your time and were able to relax. It seems like we don’t realize all the things we planned to do after to the holidays and then, it gets a bit overwhelming.
I’ve always been a “thinker” so I can run through about 10 years of my life in a 20 minute sitting and then I’m wide awake. That seems to be the routine I’ve settled in for the past week. I tend to reflect on my choices and reflect on my experiences. I wonder sometimes what the outcomes would have been if I had made a different choice or taken a different path either away from or toward certain situations. The difference now though, is that I am finally free of regret.
I used to regret almost every choice I made because it seemed that had I made the easier choices; ie staying in a relationship I wasn’t happy in, not changing occupations , not trying something new, not moving somewhere new; I wouldn’t be here now. And I find that I am whole-heartedly happier now. I look back and I remember the pain of a decision or the fear of a decision and come to that realization that life really isn’t that hard. I lie awake now thinking about trivial things; decorating the new home we’re moving into, rescuing all the dogs in the world, what I’m gonna wear tomorrow; and those trivial things require little to no energy. But still yet, even though its simplistic thought, I lie awake.
On the other end of the spectrum though, I also think deeply about life, in general. If I am in fact living it to the fullest, what my purpose is, wishing I could take care of my family…then worrying about my boyfriend, my parents, money, the world, abused animals, health, sickness, death AAGGHHHH!!
And that’s why I call this page “the thought spiral”, because as content as we may be with our lives and choices sometimes, we can’t always control our minds and the thoughts that run rampant in them. We’re not satisfied enough to not have something to think about. And if you’re any kind of person who cares about anything, I assume you have these same moments in your life, the same thoughts in your mind and I personally think it’s totally normal. It’s normal to question or wonder and worry. It’s normal to get consumed by your fears, hopes and dreams. If you didn’t you wouldn’t challenge yourself everyday to do something different. You wouldn’t step outside of your comfort zone and maybe go in a completely different direction than you were planning. And that’s why, even though I might lose sleep on a Tuesday night, I appreciate those moments when I can’t turn my brain or my thoughts off, because its a reminder that tomorrow is the opportunity to do something new. Tomorrow could be the day I either start something, change something or end something.
And that’s why I lie awake sometimes, staring at the lines on the ceiling.