There are always a lot of thoughts that cross my mind about my life and after a while I start to think to myself, “why do I even care?”. The truth is, I really don’t.
I often reflect of course, on the negatives that happened in my life. I search for answers, red flags I may have missed or the reasons why certain things began, didn’t work or never ended.
For example, relationships. It’s always hard to see someone move on, even if you didn’t want or don’t want to be with them. We often define ourselves so much based on the choices we’ve made, the people we have in our lives or the experiences we’ve been through. When we end a relationship, even if we know its not worth being in, its painful. When we feel that we’ve moved on, we start to retrace all those steps, we start to try to recall or recount every conversation or everything we may have said that we didn’t mean or that we did mean and didn’t say.
With friendships, especially some that have ended, we start to reflect on what we did or didn’t do right. Maybe we think about the unattainable expectations we set that our friends didn’t meet and the reasons why we ended the friendship. What we miss about it or what we should’ve done different.
With enemies. I don’t have many enemies that I am aware of except for one and she has made herself an enemy. I often think about the “why’s” behind what her actions and choices have been. Why she feels it necessary to hurt or harm me. Why she doesn’t have the gall to own up and take responsibility and/or apologize for the things she’s said and done. Why she doesn’t have the wherewithal to reach out and have a conversation.
But even with all those thoughts and whys and questions, WHY do I care? I think the most truthful of the matter, is that I don’t. I don’t necessarily care about those people and their choices, but what I tend to care about is what I think their impact has been on me and why I allowed it. I don’t care that I was led on for nearly 8 years for a promise of commitment because I don’t want to be with that person, I feel nothing for them and I am finally happy to be where I am and whom I’m with. I don’t care that some of my friendships have ended because at the point I’m at in my life, I find that I really don’t miss them as much as I had expected and I really never think of them. And I don’t care about this enemy because in all actuality, she has yet to do what she’s set out to do, her actions have only made my relationship stronger and have only made me realize even more how much better of a human being I am than she. She’s only proven to me why I continue to thrive, why I am the one to compare herself too.
I think that sometimes when things are fresh in our hearts and minds, we allow them to control the way we feel about ourselves and our choices. We tend to give people a lot of credit for shaping our lives and we often cant reconcile it with how we actually feel because we genuinely feel the things that happen to us were meant to, and we see that as a negative. In reality, its a huge positive. The reason why I am better and happier and more balanced is because of those people I was in relationships or friendships with, but its because I finally accepted that they weren’t worthy of MY time or MY energy. They didn’t have what it took to be of so much value and they showed me that time and time again when I couldn’t see it at the time. It doesn’t make them all bad people because at one point or another I really valued them. Its not that its not okay to care, but its more like not caring so much that it impacts my mind, body and soul physically.
I have struggled with anxiety all my life I feel 100% due to my childhood trauma. I never knew how to deal with the difficulty in any relationships and allowed my feelings to be pushed aside. Trust was either all or nothing for me. I always cared SO much about what other people felt and thought that I allowed myself to be used and abused. I allowed people to take advantage of my emotions, my psyche and even my body, physically. And that’s why one day I decided, I just don’t care. I don’t care about anyone BUT myself and that is more than okay. The only way to succeed and be fulfilled is to focus purely on what I needed to live a balanced life.
Still yet, why do I care? Because I am human and I am the type of human who wants to always do right by others and wants to be thought of in that manner as well. Its hard for me when I cant reconcile someone else’s feelings toward me and that’s why I care, even though I say I don’t.